a journey through postpartum
The time has finally come. I have written and finished this blog. To be honest, it has been actively pushed to the end of my to-do list for far too long. You know when you really should get something done and it’s good for you but you kind of avoid it? Like going to the dentist? That’s sort of what this blog was for me. I knew it would be therapeutic to write it all down but also scary. I mean, all of your anxieties, fears, worries, and innermost thoughts will be shared with the world. But at the end of the day, what are we if we don’t connect through our stories? So, here it is. My journey through postpartum anxiety:
Before I was pregnant for the first time, you could say I had a bit of an anxious personality.
I found myself finding it hard to stay in the present, making to-do lists for everything imaginable, and feeling restless. I had a high-pressure, high-stress job as a teacher. I LOVED teaching the kids but let’s face it, 23 five-year-olds day in and day out can be exhausting. On top of that, the pressure of achieving academic standards felt like an overwhelming uphill battle some days. I guess you could say, it never felt like enough.
With all this, becoming a mom for the first time during Covid 2020 became the ultimate breeding ground for anxiety. In October 2020, there were no vaccines yet, partners were not allowed to come to doctor’s visits, baby showers were virtual or nonexistent, and those who tested positive for Covid were not allowed to be in the delivery room. When we brought Lila home, we felt like we had been transported to another planet with no help or contact from the outside world. Questions swirling around frantically in our brains. How much milk is she getting? What if we need more diapers? Why does her poop look like that? Etc, etc, etc.
I had always heard about postpartum depression and the symptoms that could follow but I had no idea what postpartum anxiety could actually look and feel like.
For me, I felt like I was running on adrenaline 24/7 and did not feel tired for weeks on end. It was keeping the house immaculate, running the laundry at 3 am, and wrapping presents for Christmas several months out. If something was out of place or out of order I felt like that same chaos was projected back into my thoughts. I had to change my physical space like tidying up to alter my physical state and calm down. Soon after her birth, I realized I needed professional help because we are not supposed to parent alone. And WE WERE NOT MEANT TO.
My course of treatment:
-talk therapy 2 x a month
-continued to take 50mg of Zoloft
JUST A NOTE ABOUT MEDICATION: drugs do not make you a zombie or imply you are defective on the inside. I was very very very against taking any kind of medication for years. But eventually got to the point where I wasn’t a functional human being anymore. Medicine can help us see the light and emerge from the fog so that we can be active participants in our life.
-tried to connect with friends and family virtually as much as I could
-went outside for walks and sunshine
-started connecting at local mom’s groups
Once Lila turned a year, I noticed that our life seemed a little bit more manageable. Sleep was better, I felt more like myself, and we had settled into our routines. Many months later we welcomed our second, Brodie, into our lives and I actually felt much more “normal” immediately after birth than I had anticipated. I remember saying, “Wow, it’s so much different this time.”
However, after a couple of months the postpartum anxiety was back - but in a different form. This time in anger. Even writing “anger” makes me feel ashamed in a way. For many of us, society associates anger more closely with men, right? Women can be seen as weepy and sad, but definitely not angry. But let me tell you, it happens. Most days it felt like the emotions were always at a low simmer. An undercurrent of irritation that led to a short fuse. I felt snappy, annoyed, and overwhelmed. It happened mostly when I felt out of control and my brain would short-circuit like when both kids were screaming or someone peed on the floor. It was like my brain was saying, “How can I possibly manage one more thing?”
My course of treatment the second time:
-talk therapy 2 x a month
-med adjustment from 50 to 100mg of Zoloft
-I carve out time for things that are JUST FOR ME. Initially, I thought doing something for myself was pointless and selfish. But it is actually the opposite. I need to feel fulfilled and replenished to be my very best. So I go to tap class once a week and book club once a month
-Alec and I make an effort to go on a date every month
-I see and connect with my friends weekly
This is in no way medical advice just what worked for me personally.
By reading this, I hope you know you are not alone. You are strong and capable and asking for help does not make you inadequate. It makes you brave. Please reach out to me if you ever want to talk or connect. I have included some local resources in the Seacoast NH area for those who are seeking support. You are not alone.
Resources
Families First Health and Support Center
They have Parent Recharge, Mindfulness for Families, and Playgroups available free to the public
. 8 Greenleaf Woods Drive
Portsmouth, NH 03801 United States
(603) 422-8209
Relief Parenting Respite and Resource Center
Relief offers Mothercare: reducing anxiety and depletion support groups, parenting support groups, on-site childcare, wellness classes, and rooms to recharge and rest.
1 Merrill Industrial Drive
Building D & E - Second Floor
Hampton, NH 03842
(603) 910-5497
Wentworth Douglass Hospital
In-person New Parent Support Groups held Wednesdays at 1:30 pm
*Call or check the website before attending to confirm dates/times
789 Central Ave
Dover, NH 03820
Grace in All Things Motherhood
Mama support groups are offered monthly at Byrony and Birch Studio in Amesbury, MA
*Call or check the website before attending to confirm dates/times
48 Main Street
Amesbury, MA 01913
