Breastfeeding Journey
When I found out I was pregnant with my first, I always assumed I would breastfeed. I had heard “breast is best” as the golden standard and figured of course I want to give my baby the best. So naturally I added every nursing item to my baby registry. From breast pumps and milk storage bags to nursing bras and nipple creams, I researched each item carefully and meticulously. When I envisioned nursing my baby, I pictured us skin-to-skin smiling as I breastfed her in a warm summer breeze. Little did I know, that was far from the truth and didn’t come easily to either of us.
During the first few days in the hospital, we really struggled to learn the intimate and confusing dance of nursing. I had no idea about positioning, latch, sore nipples, engorgement, you name it. Lila was sleepy at the breast and would doze in and out of nursing sessions.
By the fourth day, she had lost 12 oz and we were given a feeding plan before being discharged from the hospital.
Feeding Plan:
Give 3 oz every 2-3 hours from a bottle (so we could track the amount) I borrowed the hospital-grade pump and we used donor milk to supplement until my milk came in
Nurse on demand in between sessions
Gradually decrease pumping and replace with more nursing sessions as she gained more weight (since I didn’t want to pump and bottle feed simply because it’s much more time intensive IMO)
Once we added more nursing sessions we also had weighed feedings every week until she regained her birth weight
A weighed feeding is when they weigh the baby naked before a feed, have you nurse the baby, and then weigh the baby once they have finished their feed to see how much they consumed
After a few weeks, our sweet girl had regained her birth weight and then some. She had become a champ and it was a huge sigh of relief. I decreased my pumping sessions and was mostly nursing her during the day and night.
All was well until I noticed a sharp intense stabbing burning pain in my left breast three months in. When she latched initially it was SO painful - a grit your teeth almost crying sort of pain. I also noticed a large red streak from the nipple all the way up to my armpit. I called my OB and they scheduled an appointment the next day. They confirmed I did indeed have early Mastitis. I was given an oral antibiotic and my symptoms resolved within a day or two. During this time, I iced my breasts, got plenty of rest, and drank tons of water. No sooner had things returned to normal than three days later, when I noticed the stabbing burning pain in the same breast. I called my doctor yet again and made an appointment. They confirmed the same diagnosis but determined I needed a different antibiotic. So the same song and dance. I went to the pharmacy, filled my prescription, and took the new medication. I felt better instantly and then it was back again. This happened a total of three times when finally doctor wanted me to come in and submit an expressed milk sample. After testing the milk, they determined my body was resisting the typical antibiotics and I was given the antibiotic Levofloxacin.
On this medication, the ER doctor explained that I should probably “pump and dump” since they weren’t sure what the side effects were for breastfeeding. I am in no way giving anyone any medical advice, but I wish I had consulted a lactation consultant and LactMed before committing to pumping and pouring my milk down the sink for an entire week. In the end, it turns out I didn’t have to get rid of it after all. Nevertheless, I was determined to give her breastmilk no matter what so I called milk banks, texted my friends, and scoured the web all because I wanted to “give her the best.” My dear friend so graciously gave me some of her stash ultimately resulting in a three-hour car ride to transport frozen breastmilk on ice.
What we drove 3 hours for 🙃
A week later, I finished pumping and dumping and the antibiotics did the trick. The entire time I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I mean I had been dealing with this for over a month and a half. I kept thinking “Okay, this is definitely coming back. It’s just a matter of time.” However, it really did stay away for a while. Unfortunately, though, Lila and I ended up with Thrush from all the antibiotics I had taken and we both had to be treated.
Things returned to normal until Lila was six months. I remember waking up feeling absolutely dreadful. Huge headache, chills, sweats, achy, and sore. I thought I was coming down with a cold and got into bed. Hours later my temperature was 103°F and I was burning up. I mustered up the strength to drive to the hospital and I was admitted to the ER. They prescribed the same antibiotic, Levofloxacin, and I started to feel better a couple of days later.
At this point, Alec and I sat down and had a serious conversation about continuing breastfeeding altogether. He looked at me and said “This isn’t healthy for you. It’s making you sick. We have to start formula.” I suppose it never occurred to me to stop. I felt devastated that it could be the end. I didn’t feel ready and I knew she wasn’t either. Even though making it six months was considered a huge milestone, I felt like a complete failure. “Let me just give it one more go,” I said. “If I get Mastitis one more time I will be completely done. I promise.” Reluctantly, Alec agreed and I never got it again for the next six months. I ended up weaning her at a year.
With guidance from lactation consultants and nurses, I began taking Sunflower Lecithin RELIGIOUSLY. Sunflower Lecithin is a natural supplement that helps make the milk less sticky and more slippery. I took the pills daily and it honestly saved me.
Major Takeaways
Throughout my entire experience, I definitely endured way more than I should have. All because I felt defective, imperfect, and insecure. Breastfeeding my baby was what I was “supposed to do” as a woman. I had also transitioned to being a stay-at-home mom and it became my entire identity. I felt it was my job and responsibility to nurse her but it also became my burden. I felt that if I had given her formula or stopped breastfeeding I would have failed her completely. I mean what would it say about me as a mom if I couldn’t provide nourishment to my baby?
Looking back, I can’t believe how much Lila and I both suffered because I felt the need to fulfill a certain expectation of what a mother should be. I felt like every time I got Mastitis or Thrush it was my penance for being inadequate. However, I know now that how or what you feed your baby does not define who you are or your self-worth. As a teacher, I have never looked around the classroom and been able to tell the difference between a bottle-fed or breastfed baby. It seems so absurd thinking about breastfeeding in the grand scheme of things, but I desperately wanted to do everything right all at the expense of my wellbeing. I remind myself daily that if my mental health isn’t where it needs to be it doesn’t do my children any favors. Ultimately, trust yourself, trust your body, and your instincts. You are so worthy and were destined to be the perfect mama for your baby. YOU ARE ENOUGH.
Happy feeding!
